Me, Myself and I (and Audrey…)
I am alive!! And my PET and CT scans this week are fine!! Youhouhouh!!! And I have been going out to a new cool place in Brixton on Thursday night…first time since months that I was out inside -not sure that makes completely sense so: out of the house…inside the cool place 😉…
I had 2 glasses of red wine…felt tipsy since my little strong body is not used to drink anymore…would have loved to stay for the entire night…to dance on the table…to hug everyone around me…I had almost forgotten how that feels like to be out and enjoy it…the lovely waiter reminded me that the last drink order would be at 9.30pm -oh…annoying frustrating Covid...almost forgot that as well!
And that made me straight away go back to the current world’s reality…but still…could feel that my entire body was smiling…smiling just to be able to be around people…to feel great…to not be particularly tired…to not endure this joints pain…to realize that you can achieve almost anything if you want to…as long as you are healthy…
But…while I was walking yesterday, I realized also that I am quite alone in London now…between the people I “lost” during my cancer battle…and the ones, I think, became so weird since the Covid started -that might also be me being weird…however, I have always been weird so nothing new here!
Again, I am not interested to “waste” my time and my energy with “friends” who haven’t been there for me when I needed them…or who constantly talk about themselves…there is also this category of people who only talk about, what I call -that may be my posh side- banalities. Don’t get me wrong: I am the first one to be silly and we all need light discussions sometimes…but I also want to be able to have deeper discussions with those who are supposed to be my friends…I don’t want them to look embarrassed if I talk about something which is not about the weather or the menu of the latest trendy restaurant in London…So…last night…after my oncologist gave me the amazing news that my scans were OK…I decided that I would not call anyone to go out…just because this is what you are supposed to do…but I thought that it was also ok to celebrate that huge step by myself: me, my little strong body, my crazy brain and myself…my brain and my body agreed that it would be ok and even lovely for both of them to allow me to have a glass of that organic Malbec I had kept in my cupboard for months…I decided to thank them by lighting some candles…by cooking healthy food we all love…and we all had the best time!!
And I decided to continue the weekend on the same vibe and to congratulate my body by doing my online barre class on Saturday morning…and by participating to that 2 hours restorative yoga in the afternoon: my brain enjoyed it so much that I almost fell asleep 😊…and I hope that after all of that…we will all -me, my little strong body, my crazy brain and myself- will be able to savour my brunch out with a friend tomorrow…
I am more and more convinced that being able to feel good and comfortable with yourself is such a strong skill! And I am feeling so much more relaxed now that I have no feeling of guilt, of missing something if I stay home…I don’t need to escape my thoughts anymore…Some of them still annoy me…or make me sad….scared…anxious…but I am learning to embrace them…to accept those thoughts as well…because there are normal…It just reminds me that I am human…and that it feels soooo good to be alive!