Bye Bye Summer
Oh…I haven’t written since such a long time…The last few weeks have actually been so busy…I started working again…from home…and part time…but still…and I have spent 3 weeks in the south of France…Oh God it felt so good…to see my family…my brothers and their families…to finally feel the sun on my skin…to get those pale legs slightly less white…to be in Luberon…one of my favourite places in France…to go to the market…to eat fresh juicy sweet fruits…to spend hours talking around aperitivo and dinner in the night…to fight against wasps and hornets…to sometimes get frustrated about my family’s habits…to spend hours lying on the long chair reading French people magazines…to go to the market and walk in the beautiful -very french- small towns…to meet the boyfriend of my niece…to make everyone smile while discovering my crazy curly growing hair…to cook with my mother and my sister in law…to discover the beautiful house of my brother…to sleep like a baby…to swim in the warm swimming pool…to look at my nieces and realise that I am not that young anymore…to laugh with my beautiful nephews…to cry thinking that I missed all that last year…to smile between the tears thinking that I am so lucky to be alive and able to still enjoy those beautiful moments…and to have an amazing family…
Back in London since one week and already feeling the anxiety growing…back to reality…impossible to really plan anything…quarantining...autumn on its way…watching series again…scared to lose my job…worried about the financial implications of that possibility…thinking that I have my next scans in two weeks…doing yoga or pilates every day -finally a good addiction 😊…dancing by myself again…talking to myself again also ;)…feeling much stronger and having less fatigue…trying to focus on the positive things…more convinced than ever that I want to become a better version of myself…I am sometimes nervous that I would get back to my bad habits now that I am feeling a bit better…and I don’t want that…at least, I am now aware of it…I need to make sure I will go back to the right track if I feel I am deviating…I know I am strong…I know I am very determined…I want to use that driven attitude for good reasons…
I realised few days ago that I need to push myself a bit in regards to the way I dress…without any pressure but with the cancer journey and then the Covid, I got used to dress very casually…mostly going out for walking, for exercising, for going to medical appointments…so as soon as my quarantine stops, I will try to make the effort to dress up more, even for medical appointments! I want to feel pretty…I feel as if I would have put away my femininity during the last few months…as if I would be an hermaphrodite snail…asexual…and I think this is now time to let my feminine side blossom again back step by step…if I want to help people going through difficult times and to make them feel beautiful and strong, I need to heal as much as possible myself...I can sometimes really feel that I am awakening…from body and mind…and I almost rediscover myself…my body sensations…my new thoughts…I embrace the fresh start…and when I start feeling too anxious, it reminds me of the previous chapter…so I turn my head, my thoughts and I look into the new blank page with a smile full of excitement, hope and compassion...