Perfectly imperfect
Rainy Saturday outside of my windows…sunny Saturday inside my little strong body and my crazy brain! Life is definitely a roller coaster right now and I am happy to feel more on top of the wave since a week…Not sure to be able to identify what allows me at some point to bounce:
…could be the fact that I rested so much last weekend after having spent a week with permanent fatigue…and after having felt so bad about it…thinking that my little body and my foggy brain would never recover…
…maybe thanks to my fabulous yoga teacher who told me on the Monday morning that I progress quickly…a good way to start the week on a positive note!
…that might also be related to that crazy brain of mine which is not always easy to manage 😉…but which totally switches to positive fighter attitude once the hollow of the wave looks too close…
…I am sure my handsome podiatrist -one of the advantages of having had cancer treatments: lots of fabulous healthcare people supporting you…and…yes…the chemo side effects on my small feet brought that great “feet doctor” to my life. Let’s go back to the story line now 😉: I am sure that my appointment with my podiatrist cheered me up a lot! Crazy to think that my feet I hated so much when younger could finally bring me joy! And not only because my doctor is handsome -which is always a nice thing to have- but most importantly: he is always smiling, always full of energy and I guess as sensitive as I am so he seems to always find the right words and to make me go out of my appointment with a huge -probably simple- smile on my face…
…and that drink I finally allowed myself to have with a friend outside on a nice terrace…dreaming of our next “Eat, Pray, Love” holiday has helped for sure…
…feeling that I enjoy more and more doing yoga and starting to feel my healing body getting a bit stronger may have also played a major role…and has been the little victory of the week…and definitely makes me more confident with the way I look.
…that strong feeling of freedom I got the entire week made me think that all is now possible -once the Covid is over of course 😉…
Naturally, even on this happy Saturday with myself I still feel some anxious thoughts in the back of my mind:
…what if I keep this body & brain fatigue for life…how could I then adapt my life around it?...
…what if my job does not like the fact that I don’t feel like already increasing the number of working hours after only 2 weeks being back?...
…would they make me first on the list of Covid redundancies? And what about the next steps if that happens?...
…how do I imagine this new chapter of my life? This blank page is so exciting and so scary all at the same time…
…how shall I start to become this better version of myself?
And then, when those thoughts start invading my crazy brain, I breathe…deeply…and I remember the last 14 months…the chemo…the efforts required to sometimes walk only for 15min…the sleepless nights with hot flashes…and suddenly, I smile again…I feel lighter again…I know deep inside that I will find my path…my own path…it can’t be done overnight…it’s a progression…it might not be as perfect as I wish…I am a perfectionist…I have chased for perfection for my entire life and of course I fail sometimes: I am perfectly imperfect and this is what will make this new chapter of my life interesting, exciting surprising, beautiful, bubbly, passionate and real! Not sure my waking up would have been an option in a perfect perfect version of me!