The Black Sheep
Loving yourself as you are…very trendy topic…but I find that it is a subject explored quite superficially most of the time…people like bringing it up without really knowing what they are talking about…it requires to be ready to work on your feelings…your emotions…to be mature enough to understand what you are before even starting to love who you are…enough pseudo-philosophy for today!
I think that I am at least in the process of discovering and even of assuming myself as I am from an emotional perspective…not every day though…but…the physical angle is slightly trickier for me right now…and I do feel very torn…
I would say that, in general, and very surprisingly if we take into account what my body has been through the last few months, I am more confident than I was ever before…I am more natural…not sure if that’s really a good thing that I discover the makeup free trend at 41 yo…and when it is almost “has been” but this is the situation I am in 😉 😊
I am also accepting my new body, including my new breast, very well…I see it as a beautiful scar reminding me of my journey…reminding me that I should never go back to the “old me”…reminding me that I need to take care of myself…reminding me that I have been fighting…and I am sooo proud of it! I think that I see it as the soldier’s war scar…except that I got it while saving my own life!
So…again…I could just stop here and make you suppose that I am feeling so well in my own skin and with the new physical me…that would be a lye…or not the full reality…it would not entirely reflect my “every day reality”…I struggle to accept that my eyelashes and eyebrows are still not growing smoothly…they are like my entire body: we have good and bad days…so sometimes they grow too much…and sometimes they fall without having started to grow back…it makes you realise that every part of you, including the internal body parts, organs, veins, brain, joints, muscles, are still in the healing process…and I sometimes get frustrated about it…frustrated that I still feel like a 150 yo lady when I push my body too much…and…since 3 weeks, I am not feeling myself when I look in the mirror…I feel like I look at someone else…someone who has had a breast cancer! Ok…quite ironic here…that may be normal…rational…or even healthy since I have just had a breast cancer indeed! 😉 But…no…this is not…and I hate that sensation…I felt less that way during the treatments and while I was ET! I am actually super happy to feel my body getting stronger every day and I have to say that my body is starting to be quite pleasant to look at -for me…which is the most important 😉- thanks to my exercising…but my face!! OMG that face…my hair is curly -one of many surprises of chemotherapy is that, most of the time, the hair first grows back grey…and curly…I mean: weird curly… I can’t really get any nice haircut…the length is still short…not long enough to have a nice shape -except the sheep’s curly one…but not short enough to avoid the ugly curls…this in between length is terrible…and of course, as if it was all a bit too easy, let’s add another layer -what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger they say: I am still not yet allowed to use any hair products and I can’t dye my hair because I have huge psoriasis crisis on my little poor scalp…apparently, this is my immune system being too happy to work again 😉…which means: disgusting white dandruff…I know…not glamourous…but reality! Which also means specific products to apply every night to treat it…which means looking like a black sheep with white stains…Oh some would tell me “how can you complain about such a superficial concern after what you have been through?” and I would answer -and probably not in a very nice way -let’s blame my short temper due to the treatments here 😉- that, exactly because I have already been through body aches, nausea, head shaving, hot flashes, chemo brain, nails changes, ET head, night sweats, eyelashes and eyebrows loss, blood transfusions, surgeries, headaches, fatigue…for a year now…then, I am allowed to feel sorry for myself sometimes! And this is not indecent or shocking to complain about it…not confessing that it is sometimes hard would be superficial in fact!
However…while I was explaining this difficult phase to a friend who is going through a similar journey…I realised that every time I look at my sheep’s head…it actually reminds me of the typical “cancer woman” -short grey curly hair, sad look in her eyes- presented on the cover of most breast cancer brochures that are given to you when you get diagnosed! And so, I guess my hair makes me feel like I am now older and that I am not myself anymore! Why not presenting the dynamic strong cancer fighters hidden in everyone one of us on those covers? I can imagine the photographer asking the proud fighter to look miserable and melancholic! So, I was already convinced that I want to support people going through the monster journey…now, I know that one of my first tasks should be to work on new breast cancer brochures! Something less boring…more bubbly…a way to highlight our strength…perfect occasion for introducing my favourite word: more edgy 😉
And that sounds like a perfect task for my awakening phase! I will remain a black sheep 😊 -always felt like the black sheep…always felt quite different…may come back to that in a next post- but my temporary sheep’s head doesn’t define me and doesn’t make me boring and depressing and old but it rather makes me more colourful than ever 😊