Not guilty!

Thursday afternoon…I have done my new “routine tasks”:

…healthy breakfast full of fruits, flaxseeds and turmeric…checked

…bike on the balcony…checked

…online yoga session…checked

…avocado toast…checked

…meditation…checked

…however…I am still worried because I am dizzy since one week…and what if that’s my cancer coming back into my brain…and I am also filling guilty that I could do more…or guilty that I have drunk one rum with my parents few days ago for aperitivo…or guilty that I am not using the time I have right now in the best way…GUILTINESS…I think this is part of almost everyone’s life now…

And even with guiltiness, I feel there is a before and an after the monster -I have decided that my cancer will be called monster from now on…cancer is too generic…and I don’t like that 😊.

Before…which was only 11 months ago…I was feeling guilty for all the good reasons of the world…mostly quite stupid ones:

…I should maybe call this person -who, by the way, behaved so badly towards me- instead of resting…because what will this person think?

…I should stay at home working instead of going shopping with my girlfriends…and instead of having some fun…particularly on a Saturday afternoon! Anyway, shopping is such a waste of time -and money- after all!

…I should have gone to the dinner I got invited to and which was taking place at this new trendy club instead of going to that party I was dying to go to because I may disappoint people…and I may miss THE night of the month!

…Why having a lovely time with this close friend I can never meet otherwise when I could go to the business dinner I am invited to with this person I will never see in my life again?

…I can not buy this beautiful Chloe pair of shoes…this is not reasonable…let’s just end up buying 20 pairs of jeans from H&M instead!

…Holiday is bad: expensive…it allows you to discover life pleasures…No! Better to keep all your holiday days just in case…

…I can’t spend a week with my family in this beautiful villa every summer…so much enjoyable to only spend 3 days there…and…leave when your little strong body and crazy mind start getting in holiday mood! They should not get used to bad habits!

…I may disappoint my friend if I don’t go to this birthday party with 100 other people I have never met and I don’t really care about…and who don’t really care about me.

And I have so many stupid examples in the same vein than the ones above…Sometimes, I am wondering how many hours I spent feeling guilty about something rather than enjoying what I was doing…and here comes the meditation benefits 😊…anyway…will you believe me if I tell you that I even felt guilty having a monster growing inside my little strong body?...and let’s go one step further -on the scale of self-flagellation: at some point, I even started feeling drained by the thought I was not succeeding with the way I was “managing” my monster’s journey…yes…I know…I might be officially classified as crazy now!...But before making your mind up…let me try to explain 😊: when I got diagnosed, many good friends gifted me with books talking about the monster…which was such a lovely carrying gesture and I thank them so much for that…however…they may sometimes forget that my crazy brain is part of me…and therefore…I started freaking out:

…while the authors strongly advise I should almost exclusively eat vegan, I still have my French roots and camembert is the only thing I am craving for after each chemo session!

…monster survivors are coming with beautiful examples explaining how the monster showed them the obvious way to new lives…which is amazing and positive…except when you read that seating like a whale on your sofa …and struggling to just walk to your kitchen because every corner of your body aches!

…you find in the books a concentrate of things to follow, and eat and drink…and an endless list of all the things you used to enjoy and you seem to not be allowed to do anymore if you want to give a chance to your little strong body to get better…and…suddenly…you get the bitter feeling that your life may just be so miserable from now on!

…thousands beautiful stories coming out of this forced journey…but what about me? What about my life turn? What if I fail?! Would that be my fault if the treatment does not work the way we expect it at some point? Maybe I am still treating my little strong body in a bad way? Shall I stop eating bread and butter for the rest of my life?! -NO WAY!- What if I disappoint my friends and my family who support me?...

And then…step by step…you discover that your own new life’s turn may be to stop constantly feeling guilty…to start listening to your little strong body signals…to your crazy imaginative mind…to your positive emotions…to take the time recognizing what you enjoy so much…that not everything about the monster is negative indeed…and that this monster forces you discovering your true self…and this is the first step of this long waking up journey…