Mirror mirror tell me, who is the most beautiful?

I had to “clean” my phone today and specifically to sort my pictures…and while I was joking this morning about my new wavy baby hair -which would seriously need the intervention of my adorable hairdresser…I realised, looking at all pictures, that I have actually had so many different looks and faces in the last 12 months…

…My old long brushed hair…if I had to describe it…I would say traditional…beautiful…very studied -my natural hair has always been wavy though. My brother was even calling the lioness when we were younger!

Ok…Could have chosen a more glamourous background…

But I had that haircut for only 2 weeks and therefore…that is the only picture I have :)

…My cute bob hair cut…End of May, my oncologist announced me that 6 months of chemotherapy would be my first treatment and that this protocol would very likely make my entire hair fall…I could have opted for the cold cap and try to keep some hair…however, since I am this 0 or 1 type of brain…I decided “to do it properly” and to not have to endure the cold cap process on top of the treatment…regardless I am already always freezing! So…very true to my self-control addiction, I started organising my hair’s mourning…😊…so, I decided to inform my lovely hairdresser Stefano and to ask him for help and support for the next months…and we both agreed that, in order to avoid an heart attack at the start of the chemo, I would need an intermediate step before having my long hair shaved…however…we had only 3 weeks ahead of us before my hair would have to get sacrificed in the name of LIFE! So…trendy bob hair cut it was! And…typically…I also had my backup plan: the wig!! I selected one with real hair…close to my natural hair colour…more expensive but feeling good is priceless -not sure my banker would agree though. It gave me the wrong feeling of “security”…that I could look like myself when my hair would fall…

Edgy stage…ET on its way…

…The shaving…big busy Friday that I had organised 2 weeks before: meeting Stefano at the wig’s place with a friend, saying goodbye to my fresh bob haircut, going to my 2nd chemo treatment…And I did it all…exactly as it was planned in my crazy brain…and while already knowing my imaginative mind was also very sensitive, I still underestimated the emotions and the wave of knocking out fluid which would be part of the game that day…I will always remember Stefano starting to put the scissors into my cool bob haircut and cutting all so quickly…and straight away he started shaving because I was already running late for my chemo appointment…with no surprise: I cried…and I also laughed through the tears hearing Stefano trying to reassure me: “oh you are so lucky -definitely again 😉- your face is great for short cut…you look so edgy”…he knew I always loved edginess -that may be this Kate Moss side again 😉…so…no time for being too emotional, let’s put the new wig on -slightly shifted due to the lack of experience in putting it in place, like in comedy- and let’s run to the chemo treatment with my friend!

Again…my friend tried to cheer me up and asked the nurse what she thought of my new fake hair…and the nurse, very honest and spontaneous, looked at me and just said that she could tell it was a wig! At that time, the red fluid was already running into my veins and I could not get affected by the answer 😉

…Then come the months of ET head! Wild months…I don’t think the worst moment for me was the shaving part…but the following hours and days…coming back home after your chemo, feeling so weak and nauseous…trying to keep your wig on your head…but having to admit that this warm wig makes you feel even worse and that you need to take it off…taking 15 min to move your heavy little strong body from your sofa to the bathroom…and being face to face with your ET head for the first time…just the 2 of you…you and ET in the good days…ET and you during bad days…my lovely mum who came to help me few days later may remember that Friday night trying to tell me that my face looks pretty with no hair…and me shouting at her and crying till 1am…I wanted to throw the expensive wig in the bin, to hide from everyone…from the world…the day after, we tried to hide ET with this beautiful Hermès scarf my caring parents offered to me…I was walking in the street and I had the feeling that it was written all over my face…or my head 😉…”sorry, I have a cancer and no hair”…

And…surprisingly…very quickly…a little miracle happened and I started actually feeling proud of myself…I was struggling to wear the wig and so I decided to play and have fun with ET: scarves, turbans, baseball caps -mostly when I was lazy…so almost every day!!-, beret -my French roots are never far away-, and even fake fringes 😊! No joke! I discovered a new world of accessories…I was enjoying changing my style depending on my mood…I would adapt my make up and clothes to my head style…and weirdly…I didn’t care anymore if people could guess I had no hair…in fact, I wanted to yell “yes, I am fighting the monster and I am so proud of fighting!”…The new Lilie was starting her awakening…ET made me free…free of hair…free of artifices…full of life!