I am sooo strong!
Oh…It seems that I haven’t written for ages!! And so much happened in the last 10 days…At least so much in my little world…
Back to London…as expected, quite melancholic to leave my parents…however, also happy to be home: my little Brixton flat really feels like my Safe Haven…and more now during the Covid 19 pandemic than ever. The weirdest part being that I am feeling busy while, most days, I am not moving from the flat…breakfast, online yoga session, elliptical bike, shower -very important activity since I am not part of the statistic showing that apparently 60% of people have stopped showering since the lockdown-, lunch, some calls, set up of podcasts, books, alone crazy dancing, cooking, dinner…and Netflix…ok…considering watching Netflix as an activity could be questionable…but let me play the chemo card here ;)
All sounds nice, comforting, almost perfect, exactly as described in magazines…which shows that every story can be seen from different angles…I decided to start by the “my life is great” angle today…on purpose…because I could have stopped here and you might have left with a sweet feeling thinking that life is good and easy even in the challenging times of post cancer treatments and Covid…thinking that I manage it all so well…but it might also have left you with a zest of bitterness…just because it would not be the full reality…and I want to give you the 360 degrees picture -I need to justify my engineer background by introducing some numbers sometimes!
For example, I would have omitted to mention the lonely feeling I can sometimes get…the frustration which drives me crazy seeing all those people in the streets with no facial masks and not respecting social distancing…I am almost like an hostage in my flat just because people don’t really care about others…I find some people so selfish…
You would also have never known that I finally had to do a brain MRI and that I got so anxious about it that I got physically sick spending one hour on my bathroom floor when I returned from the scan…or that the taste of the liquid injected to flash my veins reminded me straight away of the chemo treatments…or even that I had a panic attack imagining that the monster could be back into my little crazy brain -by the way, I also smiled thinking that the radiologist may get scared by the busy imaginative world inside my brain 😊…I was not sure if I would have enough courage, energy and nice little healthcare people left inside me to battle the monster this time…
You may also have never known that I got the amazing news that the MRI came back normal 😊…which is such AWESOME relieving news!!!…but that I still spent the afternoon after the call from my oncologist crying like a baby tough…I think all the tensions accumulated since the MRI but also since weeks and even months need to be released…
Something weird -again- is that I didn’t cry much at all during my cancer treatments…and I am crying more since the treatments stopped…I feel more vulnerable now…and I feel sometimes so lonely with this impression that nobody can understand me…that everyone would expect me to always behave in a strong way…but what does “being strong” really mean?
In the last few days I heard some friends telling me “oh stop worrying, I don’t see why you should have a brain tumour”…and I just wanted to shout at them…and I might have done with some -I do apologize to them by the way…not for what I said…because this is what I felt but for the way I expressed it…
Most of the time, people don’t know how cancer works, and they don’t know what it feels like to be scared that all suddenly stops…that the curtain may have started to fall…to feel that the end could be so close…and of course, I say: “Thank God and great for them that they have no idea!!!” And I know it…and I should just be more patient and understanding…but, sometimes,it makes me feel bad…sad…lonely…weird…weak…and I hate that. So, I hope that I won’t offend anyone…but, as written to introduce the blog, I have decided to try and always express, explain and welcome my emotions from now on…even if some people find it awkward…in fact, I am now convinced that accepting to be a sensitive soul and not being scared by our feelings can be such a incommensurable strength…not a conventional one…but I never liked convention anyway! It requires to be so strong to face your fears, to face your true self and even to face your weaknesses...and if this is part of my path to properly heal, I want to embrace it and F..K the monster and F…K the conventions! Time to wake up now!