My diary - back in time: June 2019…Part I
Samples of my crazy brain’s thoughts from the diagnosis and through the six months of chemo treatments…
I think that I am feeling ready to read the notes I took and then to share some of the thoughts I kept in my diary from June 2019…so let’s go back to a challenging life changing time together!
Part I - Sunday 9th of June 2019
I think this Sunday deserves to be called “First day of the rest of my life”…it reminds me of a French movie with same title…I only hope that the rest of my life will be at least as long as the first part…and even muuuuuch longer!!
How do I find myself in this situation today?! Sometimes I believe that this is a genetic defect which was inside me since the start without me knowing about it…other times, I think that it might be due to my life which has not always been the perfect life of an angel…while being very far away from having been the life of the devil!
I also find myself accusing my job, the stress, my boss who might love to see me dead -but I won’t give him that pleasure!!...also accusing my love journey…full of bad men -just so I am clear here: I don’t mean that I had thousands of men in my life 😉 but rather that a certain number of them, and particularly two of them, were real BAD men…not in the sense bad boys…which can be charming and almost sexy 😊…but more the type of fake manipulative persons who make you feel the most amazing person first…before making you feel weak…totally useless and with 0 self-confidence left inside your bones…
Anyway…this is Sunday…9th of June 2019…London…I am in my flat in Brixton…that flat that I bought with the little savings I had…that charming place whose mortgage I painfully pay every month…At least, I can claim that I did it all by myself -including the bad men’s choices 😊: I am an independent woman!!
Independent…and therefore, a bit lonely as well? Would I do it all differently if I only had the option to time travel backwards? I don’t know…Let’s say that I did not follow the traditional path which could have driven me to be surrounded by my husband and kids today…I thought I would wait for THE right one…such a silly stupid idea: how can you even recognize him!? This is the part they never explain in fairy tales!!!
And…this is how you turn 40 years old, surrounded by an amazing loving family…by precious close friends…but without your own family…without your husband taking you into his arms at night when your panic attacks start…and also…without kid…and the irony of the situation is that, the past dreadful week, I was not only given the news that an Alien was growing inside my breast…but also…that Alien may prevent me from becoming this mother -a bit crazy but full of love and laughs-I thought I dreamed to be one day…but I don’t even really know if I wanted it to happen anyway…Life just made that radical choice for me.
Oh I feel the tears coming back…No way!! I have always been very sensitive…but I think I am also very strong 😊 -yes…I am actually often complimenting myself since I don’t have that perfect husband who should be in charge of it…at least, I also avoid the uncleaned men’s socks on the floor of the bedroom 😉
When I start crying, I feel like my entire universe is getting so dark: the sky -ok…that one is easy in London, but also my thoughts…my future…my decisions…my hopes…I also try to convince myself that this is good for you to let your emotions out -”dixit” my beautiful mother!...so, I let it all go…the dark rain on my cheeks…the dark thoughts in my crazy brain…then, the key part is to find out how to bounce back in a healthy beautiful way…between the puffy eyes, the red cheeks and the adding winkles I may just have created by crying, I am not sure I am there yet for the beautiful way…but for sure, I am getting ready to work on the healthy way!!…