Butterfly on its way!
Oh WOW…I haven’t written in such a long time that I almost feel ashamed about it…But no…I then make that feeling quickly fade away…I did not want to put myself under any pressure…writing should be a pleasure…writing should help me…writing should allow my little crazy brain to express itself…writing should make me express my thoughts…writing should result into showing me the steps to follow to make myself as happy as I can…to finally live the life which was actually always written for me but that I struggle to clearly see…
As meditation teaches you: enjoy the journey! All I have been through since the day I was born: joy, sadness, fears, confidence, shame, calmness, discouragement, hope, dreams…all those emotions, which made me the person I am today, they all have a role to play and I know, deep inside my little strong body, that they all drive me to a more peaceful, and therefore, happy future.
I can’t say that the last few months have been as easy as I initially wished they would be or should be once the fight against the alien would be over…I would lie writing that I have all the answers now…that I always feel good…that I know what my future should look like…that I am not getting impatient finally getting more clarity about the changes I need to make my current situation evolve-the ultimate target being to become as zen, happy and content as I can -I may go from ET to Buddha 😊. What I know though is that I have made such huge progress -at least, I am clearly more confident than I was before the monster invaded my breast 😊:
- Thanks to nasty covid, I discovered that I can be by myself for days and not turn -completely- mad. Just to be clear here: yes…I am even more OCD than I ever was -which, in itself is already a challenge because I have always been OCD 😉…I slightly struggle getting back to more normality…I am getting anxious only to think that I have a “tube / work / sleep” type of day ahead of me…BUT…I am still quite positive…I haven’t killed anyone -yet😊…I still occasionally dance by myself!...and my gut feeling still tells me that all will make sense soon...
- I am now ok with the fact that I have much less “friends” than I had before…I would even go a step further and announce that I may be my best friend now -did I mention I am not mad? 😉
- My little strong body and my little crazy brain are becoming closer and closer. I realised few weeks ago that they definitely must work together and go into the same direction…and I am the only being able to do the link between them…so let’s work on making them also becoming best mates!
- I decided to ask my psy for a bit of help during this transition because sometimes I am feeling stuck in my own thoughts and my anxiety slows me…anxiety related to the monster but also related to my childhood…patterns and coping mechanisms I would like to change…I am currently feeling like the caterpillar on its way to become a beautiful colourful butterfly -not a boring all perfect by the way…a cool street art butterfly still full of life- but its old skin struggles to crackle because the caterpillar got used to face life events in its own way to survive…and I don’t want the butterfly to die before even being fully alive only because the caterpillar was too scared of changes!
- I have made peace with my femininity…ok, that sentence may sound very weird but I realised that I had totally put it all aside…that I was almost behaving like an asexual creature…
- I have realised that people you love are to be cherished and that nothing feels better than a real deep laugh with a loved one…that type of laugh which makes you cry…which makes you forget it all for a few seconds…which gives you positive vibes for at least of few hours…
- I am building the changes…step by step…and I have a very strong feeling that I must go away for a few weeks…far away from London…from my flat which became my protective bubble those last 3 years…I want the beach…the sun…I want to practice yoga while looking at the sunset…so cliché 😉…I see myself as Julia Roberts in “Eat, Pray, Love”…I have this voice inside my crazy brain but also inside my stomach murmuring that this trip should be the last big step to start the new chapter of my life…The awakening is definitely happening 😊…Be ready!!!