Duality: gift or poison?
I can’t think of anything else…and…of course, in my imaginative mind, I have all good reasons of the world:
…I could be on my amazing huge sofa right now and watch all Netflix programs I want without having my dad looking at me with judging eyes…
…I would be able to have all the phone and video calls I need to feel my friends and the rest of the family not that far away…
…I would be able to try and reduce my tribulations by crying while watching stupid romcoms…
…I would be closer to my team of doctors…which might help managing the anxiety related to my cancer coming back…
…I would be able to go to bed at 3am and to wake up at 12pm if I wanted to…
…I could stay in my pj’s all day…
…I could be much more in control of my healthy food diet and actually…of everything…and when you are as control freak as I am…this is mental health we are talking about!
…I would be able to do my lap dance show for hours in my living room…and still maybe in pj’s…
However…I know how I am...And I already know that I will also feel sad when I will leave to go back to London in 3 weeks -of course…true to my control freak tendency…I am already organising my return even if the situation is still not good for me in London…-
So…I already imagine myself in my flat in one month…on one hand super relieved to be finally alone…and on the other hand super nostalgic of:
…The sun of the beautiful south of France…
…The nice “french apéritifs”…which are part of the “art de vivre” with my parents…
…The French news at 8pm every night with this dramatic music reminding me of my childhood…
…The bike I am riding every morning on the immense balcony with sea view…
…The books I am able to read for hours while my legs try to get slightly tanned in the sun…even if my legs seem to be part of those life mysteries I may never get an answer for…they just NEVER get tanned…and they are the only part of my body never getting red either…they remain as pale and transparent as the white part of an egg…whatever I do…
…The craziness of my mum…which gives all its meaning to the expression “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” 😊
…The calm advices from my dad and the medications he can prescribe when I need to…ok he was a pediatrist…but believe or not…even at 41yo…it is very useful when you have just stopped your cancer treatments and that your body…scalp…hair…must be treated in a very gentle way…like a baby…
I have always been black or white…and even black and white…0 and 1…weak and strong…spinach and cheese (wine and cheese also)…
I struggle adapting to the “balanced” and reasonable way of life…
Inconvenient is that I can sometimes be dressed as a mix between a punk and a none…or that I can easily feel nostalgic…sad…always torn…also that I am not the nicest to my little strong body…I am always pushing the limits…I can be hard to predict…and to follow…even by me…
However…I would actually never give that away…this is what makes me appreciate contemporary art…dress in my own Kate Moss style…enjoy some life moments 1000 times more…watch a movie and actually live it with my entire soul…feel my heart beating so deeply…love unconditionally…act like a machine focused on its target…this is why I am still alive after those months of constant fight…
…Actually…in a way…duality may be my own life balance…and, through my cancer, this imperfect balance has been established in my own body as well…I should not try to change anymore…I am accepting myself as I am…my new body as it is…and I am sometimes even feeling proud of my scars…because they will always remind me that I have been able to wake up…just on time…while being able to find my true self…
Awakening Lilie