I am the lucky one!
Ok...I could understand that most people would think...again...that this Covid-19 lockdown made me definitely crazy to even consider I am lucky after what I have been through since 12 months...But I am still calling myself THE lucky one...And I would even add: SUPER lucky :)...Don't get me wrong, I am complaining so much since 4 weeks:
...Why does this lockdown happen just when I could have started enjoying life again a little bit?
...Why can't I go to hairdresser just when my hair starts growing back and makes me look like ET who has been waking up with baby hair on the head?
...Why can't I meet my amazing UK based doctors (oncologist, surgeon, psychiatrist, physio) and nurses when my emotions are so confused...so intense...and when I need to get my strength and energy back?
...Am I such a loser that, at 41 yo, I need to live again with my parents?
...When will I be able to get back to my little flat which makes me feel so...myself...protected...without being scared to get hit by COVID-19 on the street or in my stairs?
...Why does my family have to face so many challenges since 12 months...When will that stop?
...Why is life so unfair?…
...Why me...? Why now?...Why?....
...So...I am still myself: a pain :)...however...I am still convinced...deeply inside my little strong body...that I am actually a sort of very lucky "invincible" species...(I am not only feeling that way because I may be the only person on this planet to have such a gigantic imagination that made me actually think I was living in "The Truman Show" before the movie even existed...) but also:
...My breast cancer diagnose saved me from a burnout I didn't even want to notice...
...Thanks to my little angel, my triple negative breast cancer got diagnosed still at early stage...and while being the most aggressive version of it (of course...never done things half way), it also responds quite well to strong chemo treatments...
...The last few months of lonely constant fight made me love the person I am...the person I was as a little girl...this little girl who was lost for years...this little girl who was trying to catch attention...who was crying...sometimes even screaming...
...I now have much less people around me...for sure...not great for the ego...but such a comforting feeling of authenticity...of freedom...of warm...real...love...thanks to the right people…
...Such a beautiful thing to now have time to buy a card for my friends who have been so precious...to send a message to just wish a fantastic day to someone who needs to be cheered up...to send a picture of a dinosaur or an elephant to my little nephews...to have long calls with family…including some family members I had sadly almost lost contact with…
...The list of all the places I want to go to has now reached an indecent number...and I could travel for the rest of my life...before I may still need to start playing lottery…and winning it :)
...I finished my last radiotherapy treatment on Friday the 13th of March...only 2 days before the lockdown...
...I have hair...ok...doesn't sound that glamourous out of the context...but...believe me...it actually is a miracle from our strange bodies...:)!!
...I enjoy food again...I have actually always enjoyed food...even during the chemo...I am not only crazy but also greedy...very greedy...:)
...I now understand the concept "my body is my temple"...even if the expression still makes me smile
...The anguish of my cancer coming back actually makes me live in a much healthier way than ever before: 0 alcohol for months (ok...I might still have some champagne running into my veins from the last years of parties)...And...I am exercising every day...which really is something hard to believe for people who know me well...
...Having spent so much time alone trying to dedramatize the situation...I now laugh at my own -mostly bad- jokes
...I now have a right breast which may never show signs of old age
...I am now able to share my journey and show you that we can do it...By keeping our focus on the finish line and not let anything or anyone change it!
I still need to figure out quite a lot of my next steps...and how to manage my anxiety...and I know that I will still have to go through challenging times...but...I promise you that I am SUPER lucky:
...I am alive...and most importantly I am now aware of it: I am finally WAKING UP :)!!!!
Awakening Lilie