The After

The After…that sounds like the cool party you have been invited to…the one that only selected people would have heard from…the one you attend still slightly – or completely- under the effect of legal or illegal substances…the one which sees you transitioning from an accomplished classy dancer to a half human trying to stand with dignity but not knowing at all what is going on around you…that state which makes you feel like THE queen of the night -or even THE queen of the world! That one party you join while the night is at its darkest and that you leave admiring the new day starting -which gives you an excuse to keep those amazing sunglasses on your little exhausted but happy face…

OK…what I want to talk about today is another type of After…still the one that not everyone can attend -and good for them!!…still the one you may join while still under the effect of substances…still trying to understand what is going on around you but not knowing anymore how to…still the one witnessing transitions…I would just say that the difference is that being part of the VIP guest list of that After is not something you welcome with a happy smile…that After…the post cancer one…is a reality for all of us having to face the Alien though…And, yes, definitely, it is the nice part of the journey if you compare with the first main party event…but I still find it a challenging one and I hope that, by talking openly about it…we make sure we leave that specific After feeling different…but in the best way possible -without the hangover…or at least another type of hangover-and with a true big happy smile coming from the heart on our little cute face 😊….

So…tonight I am feeling like we go back again to the start of Covid...new variant on the cards…new restrictions…additional frustration related to selfish people’s behaviour…those people who don’t care about others who may be more vulnerable…I don’t know anymore if I should book my flights to go back to France for Christmas…I would almost start feeling like I may end up living isolated and single in my flat for the rest of my life…

Back to Bridget mood!! :)

BUT let’s go back to positive attitude!! 😊

I am actually so grateful that I am able to experience those turbulent time…that means that I am still alive and, even in the eventuality that I would have to remain quite isolated for some more months, I am ready to do it and I will have soooooo many more years to enjoy it all after. Every new day is more time given to fully and properly enjoy my life! Every new day is a bonus given to us and we should to make the best of it.

I am writing…music on…candles on…hibernation mode definitely back on 😊…I am in a state of reflective mood since a few weeks…I still have no idea what my future may look like -I know…still same status as few weeks ago… quite slow on that one…feeling more like a snail than a butterfly 😉…I am trying desperately to book that Eat Pray Love trip but, again, Covid really does not help me…So, I am doing my best to remain patient…I start disseminating little seeds in every aspects of my life…taking baby steps to prepare those long awaited changes… and…at some point…I know it…it will all makes sense. I finally came to realisation that I can’t wait for anything or expect anyone to come into my life to have those changes happening to me -and that is a giant step for me…I am the only one who can take my future in my hands and drive it! So, now that I am consciously aware of it, I am feeling like Wonder Woman 😊. All is possible…This is both scary and sooooo exciting!

I also just realised that the After is quite a lonely journey as well and quite underestimated in regards to the challenges you face…challenge to manage the anxiety of the Alien suddenly missing you and wanting to make its come back…challenge to find your new self: your little strong body has definitely gone through changes….however, the physical changes are not my most important challenge right now…I just had my symmetry surgery by the way and I start really feeling like me again…even better: I am so happy to soon be able to wear sexy backless dresses with no bra drama headache anymore😊!! So…no…my challenge is and remains my little crazy brain still trying to process the tsunami which happened…and…me – this miraculous combination of little strong body and crazy brain- I am going through all kind of emotions and trying to give birth to the new me…but it definitely takes more than nine months in my case 😉

So…I am here…swimming between hormonal changes effects…ups and downs…fears and hopes…hard memories and happy thoughts about the future…and despite struggling sometimes to manage it all in the most perfect way…I am so hopeful and happy… deep inside my stomach…so…yes…I am definitely getting impatient…I am sometimes feeling like someone who would be 15 months pregnant -quite ironic for someone who is not able anymore to have children 😉- and just need to finally have that new mini Lilie coming to the world and embracing her life…and I really would like to tell other people going through the same path that we are allowed to struggle…we should never feel ashamed or guilty about it…however…we need to also allow ourselves to listen to that little voice inside all of us…that little voice which may just be a very discrete whisper to start with…but if we give ourselves the chance to listen to it and let it talk…if we don’t try to ignore it…that little voice may start making us feel more and more positive…and may start guiding us…and when we are ready…that little voice may become a strong beautiful breath-taking shout which doesn’t not only wake us up, but also ends up making us get up…finally getting this new us coming to the world and start this new path. I literally can not wait for that shout to happen but the awakening is definitely progressing and I now accept that the After…euphoric…cool…happy at times…but also… nostalgic…challenging…lonely some other times…is also part of the process 😊…and let’s enjoy the After…let’s embrace this in-between state…let’s not forget to have fun whenever we can…we are actually really part of that exclusive After club of selected people who have the privilege to know how precious life is and what a gift it is to understand the meaning of it…The After may take longer than the after party we were used to attend…but we will definitely enjoy the next real after party in a way we would never have done before…until the sun rises…and we will definitely have this peaceful smile on our faces! That, I can promise 😊